i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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