I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
