Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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