You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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