i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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