I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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