She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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