Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
