He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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