I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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