there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
please come you make the beer taste better
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
