I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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