i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Quick, to the slutcave!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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