Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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