I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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