a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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