4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
