i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
