I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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