The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
