I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
