Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
