you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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