seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
