I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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