So drunk its hurt
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
