In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
