Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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