I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
