The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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