Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Terrible idea I love it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
