My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
