I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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