Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
