Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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