i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
