I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
