I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
