recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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