so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
