I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
