i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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