I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
