so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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