mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
