Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
