What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What drink are we having for lunch?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
