The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
