i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
