Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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