Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
